The Right Thing
by Never Stop Believing in Love
Summary: Originally posted as a One Shot but now been extended.  Boyd is ending their relationship, but Grace is left confused as it doesn't make sense. Angsted to the max
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Heartache, angst, **

**Rating T – angst to the max & a little language**

**Hey everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It is set sometime around series 8 but isn't based on any one episode nor contains any spoilers. It is angst to the max, but I hope that you enjoy it. Would love it if you would take a few moments to read this & review. Thank you. xx**

**The Right Thing**

She felt the sting rise in her eyes as she desperately tried to hold back the tears that were beginning to form. _I promised myself I wouldn't cry should this happen, should he ever do this._ She mentally berated herself. Part of her had been always been expecting it, in fact if she was honest she felt it was inevitable. Why would he ever have been interested in someone like her? She had been attracted to him from their very first meeting, but never for one minute dreamed that he would reciprocate her feelings. For years she suppressed her want and desire. Convinced herself that they were friends, the best of friends, but that it could never be anything more. She had found a way to make it work, to see him practically every day and yet never touch him or hold him close. As time moved on she fully believed the lie she had told herself and was content to live in the sub reality that she had created for herself. When he finally admitted that the depth of his feelings were more than just colleagues or friends she thought it was a dream. At the beginning there wasn't a day that passed when she didn't expect him to tell her it was all a mistake, that he had made a terrible mistake and he could never see her as anything other than a friend, but it had been over seven months. Seven glorious months that they spent working, living and sleeping together. They had worked closely together for over eight years and she thought she knew everything about him, but she had discovered so much more in these last seven months. He had made her feel loved, desired, wanted and for the first time in a long time, attractive. Anyone who knew him would never in a million years equate the word tender to him, but he was to her. He was very tender. His touch gentle and caring, his words encouraging and full of love. He had made her believe him when he said he loved her, more than that, that he was _in_ love with her. _How could he awake these feelings within me that I had long ago buried, make me believe him, ask me to trust him and now make such a fool out of me. _She swallowed hard.

"Why?" was the only word her throat would allow her to say.

He silently stood staring at her, watching the wave of confusion and emotion sweep over her face. He desperately wanted to reach for her, to pull her close to him, to kiss her and tell her it was going to be okay, to make love to her.

"I'm sorry." His eyes burning into her soul as he spoke. "Please believe me, you've done nothing wrong, I swear it."

"So why does it feel like I have then?" her voice shaking with emotion.

"It's not you, it's …."

"Don't you dare give me it's not you it's me crap, don't you dare." Her tone was raised and abrupt. His eyes dropped towards the floor. She continued to look at him trying to read his body language but he was full of contradiction. The hurt and lost look behind his dark eyes, his broken stance not matching the words that he was speaking. As he returned his gaze towards her, she could clearly see the tears well in his eyes. He reached out and took both her hands in his, the touch of her skin sending shivers coursing through his body. As he looked intently into her eyes, and she felt him bore into her soul

"Grace, please you've got to believe me, I swear, if there was any way this could be different, that I could make this work I would, you know I would don't you? I don't want to hurt you Grace, I'd never ….."

"Well, it's a bit late for that Peter."

"Please don't." He dropped his head again.

"Don't what? Don't tell you that I'm so confused, that I don't know what I've done. That you are tearing me apart. Two days ago, you were with me, in my bed, talking about our future and now you're standing here telling me that we don't have one, and you expect me to believe that you don't want to hurt me. What the hell happened, how could you be so cruel to let me believe you?" As Grace spat the words at him she could feel the tears begin to fall. He reached up a cupped her face with both his hands wiping her tears with his thumb.

"I … I meant everything I ever said to you Grace." He whispered. "Everything … you have no idea how perfect you are, but I just can't do this. You deserve better than this, better than me."

"Isn't that my choice to make?"

"Sometimes the right choice is to walk away, even though staying would be the easiest thing in the world."

"I don't understand Peter, why can't you stay, why is that so wrong?"

"I just can't okay." His tone was sharper than he intended, more out of frustration and hurt than anger.

"No, it's not okay, why can't you be honest and tell me what's going on. I deserve that much don't i?"

Boyd closed his eyes; he didn't know why he couldn't tell Grace the real reason he had to end it. He knew that she was going to find out soon enough, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her, not yet. The feeling of shame flitted over his mind briefly, but that wasn't it, he didn't feel ashamed, just disappointed. Had things of been different he knew he would be the happiest man in the world. He knew ultimately she would understand, she would stand beside him as she always did, support him. He knew that she could easily talk him out of the decision he was now making, she wouldn't even need to try that hard, but he had to do the right thing. That's why he couldn't tell her, he couldn't give her the opportunity to change his mind, even though he wanted nothing more.

Grace broke the silence "If you don't love me anymore just tell me Peter."

He felt a tear escape and fall down his cheek as he sighed "Aww Grace, I do love you, and I honestly believe that I always will. I know you won't believe that, but I do. I just can't do this, can't do us. I wish to God it was different but ….."

"You're a coward Boyd."

The use of his surname pierced through his heart.

He felt his eyes pool again with tears as she continued.

"You'll have my resignation tomorrow morning, first thing. I'm due leave and I will take that in lieu of notice. I'm done Boyd."

"Aww Grace, come on, you don't need to do that. Think about this eh?" his felt the panic rise within him.

"I do need to do it, and I am doing it." She looked at him with a steely stare and he knew that she was serious.

"Please Grace, don't do this, we can work through this. We worked together for years, we made it work then, we can do it again."

"No, no we can't. Things are different now. We can never go back. Both of us knew this would happen when we crossed that line, if we are truly honest we knew that we could never go back to just colleagues, or friends." The hurt was written all over his face, he knew of course that she was right but he had never allowed himself to think of not having Grace in his life.

"Grace … please ….." he took her hand again in his.

"My mind is made up, I can't go back there. I can't work with you every day and never be able to touch you or tell you my inner most thoughts and feelings. Maybe you can forget about the last seven months Boyd, but they meant something to me. It's not so easy to forget."

"Don't you think for one minute Grace think that these last few months meant nothing to me. I have never been so happy, so don't you dare assume that I feel nothing or I could easily forget." Grace caught the glint in his eyes. She saw the anger flare at her suggestion he could forget what they had shared together. It was real raw emotion, but only contributed to the confusion that was reigning inside of her.

He swallowed hard as he continued. "I should be the one to leave, not you." he softly said. "I'll make the arrangements."

"You will not" Grace squeezed his hands "The team need you; you will easily find another profiler."

"No-one could come close to you, I don't want anyone too."

Grace allowed herself to smile at him. "You will find someone to replace me soon enough, but even if you leave I am still resigning. There are too many memories there for me Boyd. Mel, Frankie… us. It has changed for me now. I can't be in that environment anymore, it would hurt too much. There is no point of us both being without a job, so you should stay."

"What will you do?"

"I have a few research projects that I have been asked to be involved in. I initially turned them down because, well work at the CCU wouldn't permit it, but now … well I'll give them a call."

"Grace …" Boyd's voice was hardly audibly. " … I don't want you to do this."

"Please let me go Boyd, don't make this any harder than what it is right now." The tears began flowing freely. Boyd pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, his own tears mingling with hers. He wished he could stay holding her close forever. It was here in her arms that everything in his life made sense.

"Peter?"

His heart melted at the sound of his name against his chest.

"Yea?"

"Promise me, when you are ready to talk about this, ready to let me in, that you will."

He closed his eyes and pulled her tight. "I promise."

Neither of them knew how long they had stood like that, both reluctant to release their grip on one another.

Boyd softly broke the silence. "You know, no matter what happens, that I will always love you Grace, never doubt that for one minute, you know that don't you?"

He felt her nod against his chest and his heart exploded as she did.

"I need to go." He released his grip and began to turn away when she pull him close. Her lips easily found his as she gently covered his mouth with hers. He responded hungrily, returning her kiss passionately as if it was the last kiss he would ever have. He wanted to remember every last second of this, of her. How she felt against him, how she tasted, how she touched him. They both knew this was goodbye as they caressed each other's cheeks, tears mingling so they were unsure whose was whose.

"I love you Grace." Boyd finally spoke as he broke away, knowing if he didn't he would never leave.

"I love you too Peter."

With her words still ringing in his ears Boyd took one last long look at her, and attempted to smile.

"Goodbye Grace." He finally let go of her hand and left.

Grace slid down the wall and crumpled on the floor, her heart breaking as tears streamed her face. She knew that was the last time she would see Peter Boyd.

As the door slammed closed behind him, he heard himself sob, tears blinding him as he continued to his car. He hadn't hurt this way since Luke had died, but it was Grace who helped him through that. Now, he was lost. Knowing that he couldn't go home in the mess he was in he drove to the Thames Esotery, the desire to walk beside the sea overtaking him.

The rain was persistent as he walked along the waters edge but he didn't notice, or didn't care. There was only so wet you could become, after that it doesn't matter and nothing could make him feel any worse than he did. He hated himself for hurting Grace, for not being able to tell her the truth. He knew it was stupid, why couldn't he just be honest?

He stopped and stood looking over the water remembering happier times. They had investigated a case here many years ago and he had spent many days and nights walking this stretch of water with the old team. Mel, Spence, Frankie and Grace. They had drunk in the local pub, and even in the midst of the horrors and stresses of the case they had found time to laugh and support one another. They had been his family. He missed Mel and Frankie desperately and now he had lost Grace too. As he pulled his coat around himself against the wind he wondered how long he could do this for.

The drive back to his home wasn't as long as he hoped. He knew he had to return sometime, but had tried to delay the inevitable as long as possible. Pulling the car into the drive he turned off the ignition, sitting silently in the darkened car for a few moments stealing himself. He still saw the hurt in Grace's eyes. He deeply breathed in as he got out of the car and put his key into the lock of his front door.

"Peter is that you?" the voice called from the living room.

"Yea." He closed his eyes and swallowed hard before walking through.

"You're wet through" The American tone was tinged with concern as she continued. "Did you sort out everything you needed to?"

He tried to smile. "Yes, Yes I did."

"Good, I'm glad." She returned his smile.

"How was your evening?" he enquired.

"Fine, I didn't get up to much. This little one decided to give their momma a hard time tonight; he's been kicking like mad." Sarah placed her hand upon her stomach smiling. "Isn't that right little one, your daddy's home now, if only he could carry you around for a bit and see what it's like eh?" She smiled as Boyd moved closer to her and placed his hand over hers.

Sarah had worried about telling him about the baby. She knew that he had been shocked when she turned up on his doorstep two days ago, but he needed to know and she didn't want to tell him over the telephone. She had seen the anguish linger in his eyes longer than he intended it to, and watched as his mind tried to make sense of what she was telling him. The night they said goodbye in New York, the night they both decided that it wouldn't work, she was there and he was in London. She knew he was only using her for comfort, he didn't feel the same way for her as she did for him but she was happy to be there with him. Neither of them planned for this. When she turned up she never expected anything from him, but knew that she needed to tell him the truth. For his part, even though he was shocked, he promised to look after her and their baby. He would do the right thing and be there whatever the cost. It was more than she could have dreamed. She knew that she loved Peter Boyd and hope that given time, he would love her too.

Boyd pulled Sarah close to him so she couldn't see his eyes betray him. No-one could ever replace Luke, but he knew this was his second chance and he wasn't going to blow it. He knew he had to do the right thing. He was going to be the best dad he could to this little one. He rested his cheek on top of Sarah's head and closed his eyes. This should be one of the happiest moments of his life, and it would have been if the person in his arms had of been Grace.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Heartache, angst, **

**Rating T – angst **

**Hey everyone. I'm sorry I know that I had originally posted this as a completed work, but I had been thinking of continuing it – and with the encouragement of some lovely reviews I decided that I would. I do hope its okay and you all don't mind. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed already. I do hope you enjoy this chapter – would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you. xx**

**The Right Thing**

**Chapter Two**

The knock at the door startled Boyd. He had his head buried in Watterson's file for most of the afternoon. He had read the same passages over and over again but was unable to retain any of the information as the words danced before his eyes. He could blame it on the lack of sleep. Since Daniel arrived almost a year ago he hadn't had a solid night's sleep and knew that it was telling on him. The easiest thing in the world would be to blame it on the lack of sleep, but deep down he knew that sleep wasn't the problem.

"Yeah?" he lifted his head briefly to see Eve standing in the doorway.

"Sorry am I disturbing you, or can I come in."

Boyd motioned with his head. "Yeah, come in … have you any news on the ballistics from Watterson's gun?" he enquired.

"No sorry, we are still waiting for the database to throw something up, could be another couple of hours yet."

He nodded "So ….?" Prompting her to begin talking.

Eve tentatively moved closer to his desk and sat in the chair facing him, the sense of dread welling in her stomach. She knew that she had to tell him, that he should know. She just didn't know how he was going to take it. The subject had been off limits for a year and anyone daring to broach it were usually rewarded with an angry outburst of how the world and people in it moves on and that the team were coping very well. He never elaborated on how he was coping and no one ever dared to press him on it. Eve swallowed hard before beginning to speak.

"Can I ask you something, not about the case I mean, something … well … more personal?"

Boyd sat forward in his chair, elbows on the desk in front of him; hands linked gently tapping his thumbs together. "Well, I guess it depends on what it is as to whether I answer or not." He said smiling lightly, "But yes, go ahead, ask away."

Eve inhaled deeply stealing herself for the inevitable reaction. She looked into his eyes as she softly continued. "When was the last time you saw Grace?"

She watched as he tensed and bristled as the question hung in the air. His face immediately covered itself with an unreadable mask as he sat back in his chair. His eyes darkened and closed.

He vividly remembered the last time he had seen Grace, the last time he had held her, touched her, kissed her. He could remember her scent and taste. He had replayed that night over and over in his memory. Many times he had changed the ending and rather than leaving he had stayed with her held tight in her arms. He had often thought about trying to contact her but had convinced himself that it was easier for both of them if he didn't. When Daniel was born, it was Grace he wanted to speak to. He always told her the important things that happened in his life, but how could he ever speak to her about this? She probably would never want to see him again anyway, he had been a coward not telling her himself that Sarah was pregnant. He knew that after he had told the team he was going to be a father again Eve had gone to see her not knowing the implications. He remembered how he had exploded at her when she came to pass on Grace's congratulations. He had seen the shock on Eve's face and knew his reaction had been unjustified, he had completely flown of the handle with her because he hated himself for not being able to speak to Grace personally. That night he had picked up the phone and began dialling her number. He knew she would have put on a brave face in front of Eve, but that she would be devastated. Maybe now she would understand why he had to leave. His fingers began pressing the digits but before it started to ring he replaced the receiver, put his head in his hands and wept.

_I'll tell you when I last seen her …. I see her every waking minute of every damn day and then she waits for me in my dreams at night._

"Aw come on Eve, how many times do we have to go over this eh?" His tone was harsh and raised. "Grace left over a year ago, it was HER choice, SHE decided to go. Life moves on eh, it's about time you did too." He picked up his pen, and looked back down at the file laid out in front of him as an indication that the conversation was over as far as he was concerned.

"Have you moved on, I mean really moved on?" Eve knew that she was walking on dangerous waters now, but he had to know.

"Oh Please! Yes, Yes I have moved on. Isn't it obvious? I mean I'm up to my eyes in work, not to mention Sarah and Daniel, or have you forgotten about them both. You know the sun continues to rise and set, the world did not fall off its axis just because Dr Grace Foley decided she couldn't bear to work a single second more with me!" Even in the heat of his words Eve saw for the briefest moments the hurt that coursed through him as he verbalised the truth. All the team had known was that Grace had decided to leave. Boyd never elaborated instead telling them that that they should respect Grace's decision and give her space. Like hell they would. Eve had driven straight round to Grace's house on the way home that evening.

"_Oh hi Eve, come in." Grace opened her door and tried to smile warmly. She knew that if Boyd had spoken to the team Eve would land on her doorstep sooner or later. "I suppose Boyd has given you all the news then?" _

_Eve followed her into the living room and sat on the armchair opposite the sofa, she could tell straight away that Grace had spent most of the day crying._

"_Yeah, he told us this afternoon, what the hell's going on Grace? Are you okay?"_

_Grace could see that her friend was deeply concerned and trying to make sense of what must seem so senseless. Both she and Boyd had taken the decision to keep their relationship from the rest of the team so that they could never be compromised if ever asked about it. It wasn't that they didn't trust them, just wanted to protect them. Even now Grace would not betray the commitment she had made to Boyd and knew that in the midst of everything he wouldn't have betrayed her. _

"_I'm fine Eve, honestly." She lied. _

"_So why leave? Did you and Boyd have a fight? You know you always sort it out in the end. He's an arrogant bad tempered asshole, but he'd be lost without you."_

"_Evidently not." Grace said almost inaudibly before continuing. "It wasn't like that Eve; I just have some other stuff I want to do. It was my decision, not Boyd's."_

"_But he had something to do with it right?" _

_Grace diverted her eyes and sighed deeply. "Don't blame Boyd; this is all down to me. If I didn't go now I never would. He tried to talk me out of it, but my mind was made up."_

"_What are you not telling me here Grace?" Eve stared at her intently. She knew that there was more to this than Grace was saying. She could see the tears pool in her eyes as she fought to hold it herself together. _

_Grace shook her head. "Nothing. I'm just tired Eve. I need to move on. CCU holds so many memories for me and I guess I'm just tired of having to face them every day, a new opportunity came up and I decided to take it." _

"_I don't understand. We're your friends Grace, yet you left without even saying goodbye."_

_Grace felt guilt overtake her emotions. In her haste of knowing she couldn't be near to Boyd she hadn't even considered the impact it would have on the other members of the team if she didn't work out her notice. All she could focus on was how much it would hurt to have him be so close but not be able to touch him. _

"_I'm sorry Eve; I didn't mean to cause offence. I would have been in touch eventually, but you know how much I hate goodbyes. I guess I thought I would be able to just quietly slip away without making too much of a fuss."_

"_Or avoid the inevitable showdown with Boyd in the office." Eve smiled knowingly._

"_Well there is always that too." Grace allowed herself a slight smile and noticed that the features on her companion had softened. _

_Eve rose from her chair and moved to the sofa beside Grace taking her hands. "Promise me you'll stay in touch Grace, you can't just disappear on me you know."_

_Grace allowed a tear to fall as she saw the tears well in Eve's eyes. "Of course I will Eve and you know you are welcome here any time." She said as she reached over and hugged her. The two women held each other as they said their quiet goodbyes. Gently squeezing the older women's shoulders Eve broke the silence. "I should go and leave you to get on with the rest of your evening." _

"_Thank you for calling Eve, and please tell the rest of the team that I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offence and I send my love." _

"_I will of course." Eve replied reaching over and kissing her gently on the cheek. "Take care Grace, I'll be in touch." As Eve turned to leave Grace grabbed her by the hand._

"_Keep an eye on Boyd will you? He's not as tough as he likes everyone to think he is and he is going to need someone to watch out for him."_

_Eve squeezed her hand and nodded, giving her a warm smile as she did. _

Eve had always known there was more to it, though over the course of the last year she never pressed the matter any further, but hearing Boyd admit that Grace couldn't bear working with him made her want to push him further. Quickly weighing up the consequences of pursing the conversation she continued.

"What happened between the two of you?"

Boyd slowly set down his pen and removed his glasses. His intense gaze met hers and she could see the anger rise from his depths and rest in his eyes.

"I don't think that is any of your business Eve. What gives you the right to come in here and question me over something that happened over a year ago that had damn all to do with you then and has even less to do with you now. Now get out" His tone was raised and forceful and Eve could tell that he was fighting to keep it under control.

"It is my business when I see how it's been affecting you ….. both of you. You are my friends and you have both been miserable since Grace left. I know you have Sarah and Daniel, and I don't doubt you love them, but when Sarah comes in to the unit your eyes don't light up like they did every time you saw Grace. There's something missing Boyd, you're half the man, there is no life behind your eyes anymore. It's like you are going through the motions, existing rather than living." Eve knew that she had said too much, but he had to know.

Boyd steadied himself. _Am I really that transparent?_

"Didn't you hear me Eve GET OUT." His heart was racing. He missed Grace desperately. There wasn't a day, or an hour that he didn't think about her. He had tried so hard to bury his feelings, but they tormented him day and night. He had wanted to love Sarah, and at the beginning had done everything he could to make himself love her, but nothing changed. He wasn't even sure he was trying now. He knew the only reason he was staying was for Daniel. _What a mess._

Eve stood up to leave "You need to speak to Grace Boyd." She said forcefully.

"I don't NEED TO DO anything Dr Lockhart, and anyway, why now huh? Why after all this time do you think I need to speak to Grace eh?" Eve held his gaze as his eyes searched her face daring her to answer.

_He needs to know. _

"Because she's sick Boyd okay. The cancer, it's come back."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Heartache, angst, **

**Rating T – angst & a little language**

**Hey everyone. Thank you so much for continuing to read this story and for all your reviews, I really appreciate it. I hope that you enjoy this chapter – would love to hear what you think! Thank you. xx**

**The Right Thing**

**Chapter Three**

Boyd's breathing faltered, as he felt the strength leave him. His dark eyes now glazed over were staring straight ahead. His body being pummelled by a tirade of emotions which he was fighting hard to control, each one hitting him harder than the one before. Hurt, pain, helplessness, love, fear, all leaving their mark as they violently coursed through him. He tried to centre his thoughts, he needed to ask Eve so many questions, find out more information, but he was rendered helpless against any coherent thought_. How could she not tell him about this, how could she go through this alone? _

Eve broke the silence "I'm so sorry Boyd, I didn't mean to just blurt it out like that, but I felt you needed to know."

"Huh?" Her words breaking into his thoughts and momentarily dragging him back into the room. "arhmm … no … thanks ….. Eve … for telling me …. thanks." He lifted his head to briefly meet her gaze and she saw the pain deep within his eyes that he was trying so desperately to hide.

"Are you okay?" she softly asked.

He slowly inhaled a deep breath trying to take back the control of his body, nodding gently in reply unable to verbalise the true nature of how he was feeling though he knew _okay_ was the very last thing he was at that moment. He was so far from okay in fact he didn't know if he would ever find his way back, or that he would ever be okay again.

"Boyd …. If you need to talk …. you know where I am yea?"

"Yea" he quietly replied not meeting her gaze, before once again being submerged into the tide of his emotions. He didn't hear Eve leave, nor did he know how long he had sat staring into the bleakness.

_I should have been there for her. She shouldn't have been alone. Was she alone? Why am I so arrogant to assume she wouldn't have met someone else, moved on. She is a beautiful woman, of course she would have met someone else ….. but surely Eve would have told me. Though why would she when I have made it abundantly clear to everyone that I didn't want to talk or hear about Grace Foley_.

His thoughts were racing through his mind, each one bringing a new sense of awareness of what he had let go of, what he had lost. A sickening sense of jealously sourced though him as he imagined someone else supporting her, holding her, listening as she shared her inner most thoughts, and fears. He closed his eyes trying to suppress the image of her sharing that intimacy with someone else. Another man's arms wrapped around her, holding her, kissing her. Almost immediately he was filled with guilt – Grace deserved to be happy with someone, who could be to her everything he couldn't. She deserved someone there to protect her and hold her when things got difficult. He had managed for a year to fool himself into believing that she felt the same way as he did, that every day she thought of him and wished that things between them had worked out differently. Deep down he knew he was fooling only himself, but in the moments when he was truly honest with himself he knew it was the only way that he could face each day without her being there.

He lifted his gaze towards her old office. There wasn't anything left of her in there now except his memories. The new profiler, Jeffery Higginson, had long ago removed all of her personal belongings and put them into a plain cardboard box which Eve dutifully delivered to her. She couldn't even bear to come in to retrieve her things herself and he knew that was because she couldn't bear to see him. Boyd reached towards his bottom drawer and slowly opened it. Carefully moving the file that was deliberately placed, he lifted out the frame which was lying on the bottom beside a half empty whiskey bottle. He swallowed hard as he turned it over and stared at the photograph held within it. His old team. Grace, Frankie, Mel, Spence and him. He smiled softly as he remembered the time they had spent together. Somehow the passing of years dissipating the tough times and leaving only happy memories. He still remembered vividly the evening it was taken. They had just finished a stressful case which ended when Terence Tanner had thrown himself out the window in front of both him & Grace. Even now he could still hear Grace scream as the young man lunged himself through the glass. He could still feel her shake as he took her in his arms to pull her away from the scene. He had watched Grace carefully over the next few days; she was finding it difficult to stop herself replaying the moment over and over again in her mind. He could tell that she wasn't sleeping, knew that she blamed herself for pushing Tanner too hard. It was Boyd who suggested they needed a night out; it would be good for the team to relax and laugh a little. They had arranged to meet in the Rose and Crown pub just down the road from the CCU offices.

"_Oh hold up, here comes the boss now, everyone on their best behaviour." Boyd smiled as he approached the table where the rest of the team had already congregated. He could tell that Spence was already quite a few pints in front of him._

"_Do you even know how to behave Spence?" He replied, his deep baritone voice radiating around the booth they had found for themselves._

"_Boyd that's unfair, of course Spence knows how to behave …. badly" Mel quipped with a smile in the direction of the un-amused DI._

"_Leave poor Spencer alone." Grace chipped in playfully patting his leg._

"_Yea … you heard the woman, leave Spence alone." Spence feigned a hurtful look._

"_Aww come on don't cry Spence, how about I buy you a drink - will that make you feel loved and appreciated again?." Boyd's smiled widely as he spoke. _

"_Now that's more like it; I'll have another pint please boss."_

"_Mel, Frankie?"_

"_I'd love a glass of white please." Mel smiled as she replied. _

"_A bottle of becks for me please." _

_Boyd turned to Grace. "Wanna share a bottle of red?" _

"_Just one?" Grace smiled and Boyd couldn't help but notice the light dance within her deep blue eyes as she did._

"_Well for starters anyway." He knew he had looked at her a little longer than was needed, but he found that he was unable to divert his gaze from her. Suddenly aware that he was staring and feeling his face flush, he turned towards his DI. _

"_Give us a hand Spence eh?"_

_Boyd wasn't sure when the camera had made the appearance, he just knew that he was well into the second bottle of red when Mel had suggested that they all had a photo taken together._

"_Absolutely no way!" Boyd held up his hand as a way of defence. "I don't do photographs."_

"_Come on Boyd…." Frankie was now pulling him by the arm "Stop being a prick and get into the photo."_

"_It's not happening Frankie, not now, not ever – and enough with calling me a prick eh."_

"_Well I can only call it as I see it." Frankie retorted, but flashing him a smile as she did before turning toward Grace. "Grace can you talk to him?"_

_Grace smiled and glanced towards Boyd her eyes playful._

"_It's only one photograph Peter, it won't kill you and it will shut these ones up."_

_Her use of his first name was not lost on Boyd. "One picture – that's it eh?"_

"_Yes that's it; you will only need to smile for the briefest of moments." Grace laugh as he rolled his eyes in her direction. _

"_Okay, okay – one photo, that's all." He stood up and instinctively moved beside Grace as Mel asked a girl in the booth next to them to take the picture. _

"_Smile."_

The photograph had sat on Grace's desk for many years and when Jeffery was packing her things Boyd had retrieved it from the box and placed it in his drawer. He had wondered if Grace had missed it, if she had she certainly didn't make it known. He rarely looked at it anymore; it caused him too much pain. But sometimes when he was working late at night he would reach into his drawer to lift out the whiskey and there it would be. A reminder of what he had done. He still blamed himself entirely for what happened to Mel. He should have sent Spence, not that he valued Spencer's life any less than hers, but Emily Dell could never have been able to push him off the roof, his strength and form would have prevented that. He had asked himself a million times why he let Mel go, each time his question returned to him unanswered. His fingers moved and traced the outline of Frankie's face. It was his fault also that Frankie left and her leaving had hurt him more than he would ever admit. He knew she blamed him for sending Mel her to Matt Carney's flat, and for making her process the scene in the aftermath of her death. It was him who made her look at the body of her best friend lying broken and lifeless and then made her treat it as a normal crime scene. He knew she could never forgive him for that and she out and out hated him for not attending Mel's funeral. She thought him to be completely heartless. He had wanted to explain, but couldn't find the words. It hurt him that she kept in contact with Grace but never wanted to see or speak to him again. He alone was responsible for the end of their friendship and he knew it. In wanting to do his best for Mel, give her every bit of dignity he possibly could, he completely disregarded Frankie's feelings. His eyes drifted towards Grace who was standing right in the centre of the photograph, directly by his side. It seemed right for her to be there – it was her place. It would _always_ be her place. They all looked so happy. _Oh Grace how did it come to_ _this?_ He missed her so much. Boyd reached up and rubbed his eyes with his hands trying to dispel the noise within him. _I should have been there for you, for all of you._

Almost immediately his thoughts came into alignment. Jumping to his feet he grabbed his coat off the back of the chair and left the office. He needed to see her, needed to speak to her and find out for himself. He would deal with the fallout when he had to, but this was something he needed to do.

As he drove towards her house he realised that he didn't even know if she was at home or in hospital. He briefly contemplated ringing Eve to ask her but decided that he wouldn't give her the opportunity to ring ahead and pre-warn Grace in case she refused to answer the door or to see him. No, he decided that he would call to her house first; if she wasn't there he resigned himself to telephoning every hospital in the district until he found her.

As he turned into her road he wondered how welcome he was going to be. It had been over a year since he stood in her living room, both of them weeping as he ended their relationship. He knew that he had hurt her; God only knows he had hurt himself that night too. He hadn't known then exactly what the consequences would have been and he often wondered since that if he'd known would he have made the same choice. So much had happened since that night, so much he wished he could have spoken to Grace about. When Daniel was born he thought that somehow it would have brought him and Sarah closer together, but if anything it had the opposite effect. He realised whatever it was they had shared together in the beginning was long gone. Theirs had been a superficial love, though if he was honest Boyd doubted it could even have been described as love. It was more a mutual need for affection. He was there and she was there, both damaged. He never felt for Sarah what he felt for Grace, it didn't even come close. If truth be told, he suspected that Sarah knew exactly how he felt for Grace. She had tried to broach the subject of why she had left the team so suddenly on a few occasions each time had ended in a monumental row, Boyd unable and unwilling to discuss anything to do with Grace with her.

He pulled his car up onto the kerb in front of her house and felt the beat of his heart increase and his breathing become shallow as he saw the light on in her living room. He sat motionless staring at her front door. He had thought about doing this many times, and now it was only a few feet in front of him and yet it still seemed so very far away.

He ran his fingers threw his hair. _This is so difficult. _He swallowed hard as he opened the car door and began to walk up her drive, his heart feeling as though it was going to burst right through his chest. He stood motionless at her door, images of him closing it behind him all those months ago flashing in his mind. Slowly he reached up and rang the doorbell, everything within him shaking. He swore inwardly, _this was a mistake, she's not gonna want me turning up on her doorstep_. He turned to leave and as he did he heard the door begin to open. Closing his eyes he breathed deeply before turning round to face her.

"Boyd! What the hell are you doing here?"

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Heartache, angst, **

**Rating T – angst & a little language**

**Hey everyone. Well here's the next chapter. I really hope you are continuing to enjoy this story. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it. Please review. Thank you. xx**

**The Right Thing**

**Chapter Four**

Boyd's eyes met hers, unable to keep the shock at her appearance from his face. She was still his beautiful Grace, but the cruel reality of her recent treatment was clearly evident. Her head was covered with a headscarf tied tightly at the back, which he knew was hiding the fact that her blonde hair had already gone. She looked somehow smaller and so delicately fragile. As his eyes held her gaze he caught a glimpse of her vulnerability and wanted to immediately scoop her into his arms and hold her close to him. He swallowed hard as he steadied himself.

"Hello Grace." His voice choked with emotion.

"What are you doing here?" Grace asked suddenly feeling very old and frail. When she had opened the door just seconds earlier she never for one moment imagined that Boyd would be on the other side. When he had walked out she had dreamed that one day he would return, tell her how sorry he was and that he realised that she was the one that he wanted to be with. Days and weeks passed and he never came. She learnt to live with the heartache. Filled her days with work and endless research. The work ethic that she had developed at CCU of spending long hours in the office had stood her in good stead as she completely immersed herself into the current project. Spending so much time at the office also had the benefit of her not having to spend much time in an empty house that was filled only with memories. The only drawback was she found it all so tediously boring, and longed for the thrill of working on a new case with the team. She often found herself distracted wondering what everyone was up to, what their current cases were. She loved it when Eve visited and caught her up with the latest news. It had been so painful at first, Grace believing that she needed a clean break, but she soon found that she couldn't easily forget her old team. The only person she purposely never enquired after was Boyd. Eve volunteered the occasional piece of information, but Grace would never push her about him. Eve had been a good friend to her, and she knew that she had the very best intentions when she told her about Boyd & Sarah's pregnancy news.

"_Can I get you a glass of wine Eve?" Grace had greeted her friend showing her into the living room._

"_Yes please, that would be lovely thanks. How are you Grace?"_

"_I doing very well thank you" Grace replied making her way into the kitchen and pouring two glasses of wine before returning and handing one to Eve before sitting on the chair opposite._

"_That's good, you're looking well." Eve smiled_

"_Thanks Eve, I've been a little tired recently but I suspect it's because of the amount of time I've spent reading ruddy papers. " _

"_Oh yea, because you were never used to long hours back at CCU?" Eve quipped causing them both to laugh. _

"_The team well?" It was the usual question that Grace asked every time they'd met. _

"_Yes, they are all well. Spence has a new woman, he seems to be quite taken with her actually, well in as far as Spence can be quite taken with any lady. You know what he's like - more of a love em and leave em sort of guy."_

"_Aww he'll make someone a lovely husband someday, if he can ever settle down. I always thought that maybe you and him would one day get together." Grace answered with a cheeky glint in her eye. _

"_Grace, I can't believe you thought that! It's Spence we're taking about here." Eve pulled a face like she had just been asked to kiss her brother. _

"_I know, but you are both so lovely, it would be so good for you both to be lovely together." Grace laughed at the younger woman's reaction._

"_Okay okay, let's not go here I'm getting images in my mind that are going to scar me for life." Eve laughed warmly before continuing. "Actually there must be something in the water, you know how Sarah's back ….."_

_Grace felt her heart stop and for a moment was afraid that it wasn't going to start again. Eve had assumed that she had known about Sarah's return but as Grace heard the words fall from Eve's lips her blood ran cold_. _**That's why he left me, he wanted her and he didn't even have the guts to tell me. Why wouldn't he want her rather than me? She is everything I'm not. Young, beautiful, American. Looks like all those years of friendship meant nothing to him, that I meant nothing to him.**_

_Grace had known that she hadn't acted quickly enough to mask the shock permeating on her face before Eve realised what she had done._

"_Grace ?….. you didn't know? I'm so sorry, I just assumed Boyd would have been in touch and told you. Haven't you spoken to him lately?"_

"_No, no, it's okay Eve, really. Boyd and I haven't spoken in a while. I've been busy and obviously he has too. I'm sure he'll tell me when he gets a chance." Grace was surprised at herself at how well she recovered. _

"_That man is a nightmare, I can't believe he hasn't contacted you, I was sure you were the first person he would have wanted to tell the news too. Are you two still fighting? Aww Grace I don't know if I should continue with this now, Boyd will kill me if he wants to speak to you himself."_

"_Just tell me Eve, if and when Boyd phones I will feign surprise." Grace tried hard to keep her tone light as she processed the information Eve was giving her and prepared herself for more news of how happy Boyd was and how beautiful Sarah was and how perfect they were together. _

"_I'm really not sure about this Grace…."_

"_Eve you can't start something like that and not continue, now spill." Grace was in turmoil, part of her desperately wanting to hear how Boyd was and what this news Eve was keeping from her was and the other part wanting to run out of the room with her fingers in her ears in a vain attempt to protect herself from what she was in no doubt was going to hurt her. _

"_Okay, okay …. Boyd's going to be a father again, Sarah's pregnant. " _

_Grace could feel the smile on her lips; she knew it was there because it was taking every ounce of her energy to put it there. Inwardly though her heart felt crushed and she was fighting hard to stop the tears from forming in her eyes. __**That's it. Sarah could give him everything I couldn't. I never could have been able to give Boyd a child, and since Luke's death he had felt so helpless. Now he's got a second chance. Sarah has given him that second chance. **__ She heard her voice as she began to speak in reply to Eve, but she felt a million miles away. _

"_That's lovely news, I am sure he is excited." Grace finally spoke trying to shield the emotion from her voice._

"_Erm, I don't know if Boyd's ever been excited about anything, but yea he seems happy ….. well happy for Boyd anyway."_

"_That's good. Please pass on my congratulations … to them both."_

"_I will, but I'm sure Boyd will be in touch soon himself." Eve smiled. _

"_Yea I'm sure he will." Grace replied, not believing her words for one moment. _

When Eve had left that evening Grace had wept. She wept for her lost friendship. Before anything else he was her best friend, the one she trusted most in all the world and now he couldn't even speak to her about something so important. She wept for her lost lover. She remembered him holding her, telling her how much she meant to him, how much he loved her. She wept for her own stupidity in believing all the things he had ever said to her, and she wept for the child that she would never be able to give him.

Now here he was after all this time standing at her front door and he hadn't changed a bit. His eyes may have portrayed tiredness but she suspected that was because of the new baby, yet to her he was every bit as handsome as he was when she last saw him, if not more so. How could she ever let herself believe that this strong, passionate, attractive man could ever have been in love with her? As she gazed into his charcoal eyes she thought she saw a look of anguish, and regret, then he smiled that wonderful smile.

"Hello Grace."

_Please don't smile at me, please don't look at me, and please don't make me feel this way again. I don't know that I'm strong enough to go through this again right now. Why turn up now, in the midst of all this, why now Boyd?_

"What are you doing here?" She quietly asked.

"Can I come in?"

Grace looked at him for a few moments before stepping aside to let him enter. He moved into the hallway and waited as she closed the door.

"Oh Grace." He whispered his heart breaking as he leant over to attempt to kiss her cheek.

His heart sank as Grace pulled her head away before he could make contact "Please don't Peter." She could see the hurt in his eyes at her remark and immediately regretted being so sharp with him, but she was too weak to deal with this right now.

"I'm ….. I'm sorry. It's good to see you Grace."

Grace walked passed him and into the living room knowing that he would follow her. She motioned towards the chair where he dutifully sat.

"So what are you doing here Boyd?" she asked her eyes searching his face.

"Erm, Eve ….." he cleared his throat before beginning again "….. Eve told me today that you have been ill and well I …. I had to come, I had to see you."

"How noble of you." Grace sarcastically retorted.

"Aww Grace …."

"Don't Aww Grace me Boyd, quite frankly I'm too tired. Too tired to deal with this, too tired to deal with you."

Boyd closed his eyes briefly as he exhaled deeply "Why didn't you tell me Grace? His voice soft and concerned.

"Why the hell do you think? We haven't been exactly the best of friends lately, we don't even speak anymore. To be honest I didn't think you'd be exactly interested in my welfare."

Grace could see the hurt flash in his eyes as her words pierced his heart.

"What? How could you not …..? You know I'd be interested, how could you think for one moment that I wouldn't care?"

Grace shrugged her shoulders lightly diverting her gaze away from him.

Boyd tried to quiet the storm within him. He knew that Grace would have been angry at him, he knew that he had hurt her, but he hadn't let himself think just how deeply that hurt ran … until now.

"Is there anything you need? Anything I can do ….. to help I mean."

"No thank you, I can manage."

"You shouldn't have to just manage Grace, I want to help." Grace's eyes search his face as he spoke watching the emotion wash over him.

"Don't you think it's a bit late for that now?"

"I'm sorry. You know if I had of known sooner, I would have been here straight away. You do know that right?"

"I don't know what I know anymore Boyd. I thought I knew you, but I was wrong then so there's a good chance I am wrong now too."

"What do you mean by that Grace? What do you mean that you were wrong then?" Despite himself, Boyd's tone began to rise.

"Well I thought I knew you, I thought we were friends ….."

"We were friends …. We are friends"

"Friends would speak to one another, friends would tell the other what they were thinking, how they are feeling. Friends would tell each other when they were going to be a father."

Boyd's head dropped. He felt like he had been kicked in the gut. He deeply regretted not speaking to Grace about Daniel and Sarah.

"I'm sorry Grace, I just … I didn't know how to tell you. I wanted to, I even tried to on a number of occasions, but I just couldn't find the words."

"It's not rocket science Boyd ….. what about _Hi Grace, Sarah's pregnant_."

"It wasn't as easy as that Grace and you know it."

"I know that I felt a complete fool."

"Wha ….. why?"

"Because I believe you, believed all that crap you told me, when all the while you were thinking about getting Sarah in the sack again. I hope she was worth it Boyd." The bitterness in Graces' tone was evident.

"Is that what you think? You think that while I was with you I was screwing Sarah?"

"Well weren't you?"

"NO! No I wasn't. How could you even think that?"

"So I suppose she got pregnant by Immaculate Conception then?"

"Aww come on Grace you're an intelligent woman do the math. Sarah got pregnant the last night I was in New York. The night we decided that it would never work out between us. It was a stupid thing to do I know, sleeping with her when I knew it was over, but it seemed right at the time. Neither of us planned it. It happened before you and I got together."

Grace's thoughts were racing through her mind. For the last year she had imaged Sarah and Boyd curled up in bed together laughing at her expense, at what a silly and stupid old woman she was.

"I'm sorry ….. I just assumed."

"Well you assumed wrong. Look I was every bit as shocked when she turned up on my doorstep, but I just wanted to do the right thing by her, even by you – though I know I monumentally screwed that up. I didn't handle it well Grace."

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Grace's tone had softened.

"I honestly have no idea. I have asked myself nearly every day since and I just don't know. I guess I didn't want to give you the opportunity to talk me out of it. I felt I had a responsibility to Sarah and the baby."

"I would never have done that, not if that's what you wanted to do. I would never have asked you to stay with me if you didn't want to be here."

"That's just it Grace …. I did. I never wanted to be anywhere else but here ….. With you."

Grace closed her eyes as he spoke. "Please don't say that Peter."

"It's true Grace …. was then …. is now."

Grace felt her body begin to melt as her heart beat faster. Fighting for control of her senses she continued. "You can't come here after all this time, say things like that to me and expect me to be okay with it all. I can't deal with this right now. I need to concentrate on getting stronger and well."

"What have the doctors said?"

"Nothing much. I have another three doses of Chemo to go through and then they will re-scan and see if it's worked. It's a wait and see game now."

"I'm so sorry Grace; I should have been here for you."

"Well there's no point in beating yourself up over it. How are Sarah and Daniel?"

Boyd looked at her surprised she knew his son's name.

"Eve told me." She answered.

Boyd nodded his head

"They're good, Daniel's getting big. They grow fast these days." He smiled.

"And Sarah?"

"Yea, she's okay, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Look I don't want to talk about Sarah, not tonight Grace eh." Boyd softly answered as he rose from the chair and moved to the sofa beside her. "Come here." He said as he held out his arm.

Grace hesitated for a minute before relenting and moving next to him, leaning her face on his chest. She felt him inhale deeply before placing a kiss on top of her head.

"Oh Grace, I wish you had of told me, I should have been here for you." He repeated softly.

Grace closed her eyes against him as she felt tears begin to pool in them. For the first time in the last four months she felt safe and protected. Boyd could feel the dampness of her tears on his shirt and he felt his heart melt. How he felt about her hadn't changed during their time apart, he knew then that he loved her and he knew it now. Reaching down he placed his fingers under her chin and lifted her face to look at his. His eyes stung as the tears gathered.

"You know how sorry I am Grace don't you? Can you forgive me…...please?"

Grace looked deep into his dark eyes and nodded. "I forgive you Peter." She whispered and as she did a tear escaped down his cheek.

"Thank you." He said softly placing another kiss on top of her head and pulling her close to him unable to prevent further tears from falling.

They held each other tightly, letting the closeness of their bodies heal them. In those moments they said so much to each other without actually speaking at all. The year of hurt and heartache dissolving as the realisation of their deep connection was once again rebirthed.

The sound of Boyd's mobile phone broke the silence.

"Sorry Grace." He said as he moved his arm from around her to retrieve his phone from his pocket.

The caller Id flashing as the ringing continued.

**Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah **

Boyd switched it off unanswered.

"Aren't you gonna answer that?" Grace asked.

"No, it wasn't important." Boyd replied and replaced the handset back into his pocket before pulling Grace into his chest once more.

The mobile phone kicked into voice mail…..

"_Peter, it's me. Where are you, and don't give me that crap about working on a case, I've spoken to Spence and he says you left the office hours ago. I told you last night that we needed to talk and you can't even be bothered to show up. Speaks volumes you know. Anyway I'm going to bed now – we'll talk in the morning if you can bothered." _ Sarah swore as she threw her mobile down on the table, before switching of the light and heading up walking up the stairs.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Heartache, angst, **

**Rating T – angst **

**Hey everyone. Hope you are having a great week. Thank you so much to everyone who is continuing to read and review this story I really do appreciate the time that you take. Hope you enjoy this next instalment. Thank you. xx**

**The Right Thing**

**Chapter Five**

"Damn it" Boyd mumbled quietly feeling the painful burn in his arm as he tried to extend it to look at his watch, the daylight streaming in through the window already telling him that he had been asleep longer than he had intended. He was getting too old to spend the night propped up on a sofa, but as his gaze fell on Grace who was still peacefully asleep in his arms he knew that every protest his body would make today was worth it. He and Grace had talked late into the night about everything and nothing. He realised he had missed how easy it was to be with her. He never felt he had to try to be anything else other than himself, she accepted him completely as he was. He wasn't a senior police officer, or a boss needing to keep within the confines of his rank and position. With her he was able to let his guard down and be real, with her he was simply Peter Boyd, full of insecurity, hurt, pain, anger, doubt, hope, passion, integrity and love. In spite of it all, she still accepted him. Of course there were things that she often tried to change, his quick tempter for one, but no matter how bad it had ever become she had never completely abandoned him.

He inhaled deeply as his mind traced over the previous months. It had been without doubt one of the hardest most painful years of his life. Loosing Luke had been unbearable, and took him to a place within himself that was so dark it frightened him. There were times when he even didn't care what happened to him, if he lived or died it what did it matter. What difference would it really make, who would there be to miss him or even care? He had begun to drink heavily, which had only contributed to his black moods. He was sure that the destructive vicious circle he found himself in the middle of would have eventually killed him had it not been for Grace. For a long time he shut her out, unable to deal with her sympathy and certainly not for one moment wanting to talk to her to try to express how he was feeling, instead he opted for either throwing himself into work or drinking himself into oblivion. Both of which were a welcome release. He hadn't for one minute considered what effect it was having on those around him, least of all on Grace. What he didn't regret was that it was the darkness that had led him to her arms. It caused him to finally admit how he truly felt, both to himself and then eventually to her.

_His office was in darkness, the blinds drawn to keep the outside world outside and him safely locked within the confines of his own bleakness. As far as he was aware everyone had long left the building, off to enjoy their free time with family, friends or someone who loved them. He had none of those waiting for him at home, so instead he chose once again to lie on his office couch with another bottle of scotch consoling him. He had lost track of how many nights he had spent doing this. His office preferable to the cold emptiness of his house that held only memories of what he had lost. _

_He didn't hear his door open, so was unsure how long Grace had been watching him, but on opening his eyes he saw her leaning on the doorframe, head resting on the side, arms held across her body, with the glisten of unbidden tears in her eyes._

"_Hi …" he offered a small smile "…. I thought everyone had left."_

"_Hi …" Grace replied trying to supress the deep sadness that was threatening to overwhelm her soul. "…..You okay?" _

_She had already been standing in the doorway for a few minutes silently observing her friend before he had noticed her. His frame was stretched the full length of his visitors couch, a glass clutched in his hand balancing on his chest. Although his eyes were firmly closed she could still see the pain etched into his face, the last few months of turmoil had left their mark and she was very well aware that Peter Boyd was far from okay. She had helplessly watched him sink deeper and deeper into the unknown seemingly hell-bent on his own destruction. When she tried to talk to him, he dismissed her or simply walked away. _

"_Yip, couldn't be better." He dryly quipped. _

_Grace swallowed hard contemplating how far she could push tonight without him completely shutting himself off from her. _

"_Are you drunk again Boyd?"_

"_I've maybe had one or two, what's it to you anyway?"_

"_I hate seeing what you're doing to yourself that's what." Grace answered sharply._

"_And just want would that be eh? The fact that for a few hours I can forget what a complete mess I've made of my life – you'd deny me that eh Grace, you'd deny me some release from the unrelenting guilt, the unbearable pain?" _

_Grace rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. "Of course not, I just don't think that this is the answer."_

"_Go home Grace." His tone was dismissive and hurtful. _

"_I'm not leaving you in this state."_

"_Then just get out, go back to your office, do something, just leave me the hell alone." His annoyance evident as his voice rose. _

_Grace stubbornly held his gaze refusing to back down. "Boyd you need help."_

"_I need to be left alone."_

"_Well that's just too bad isn't it. God knows why but I care too much about you to let you spend another night sleeping it off in this office – you're a mess Boyd!" Her tone was now matching his. _

"_Oh great thanks Grace, kick a man when he's down. Anyway no-one else gives a damn, so why should I?"_

"_Is that what you think? You think I'd be standing her trying to reason with you again if I __**didn't give a damn**__? Believe it or not I have better things to do with my time. Come on Boyd we have been friends for a long time, you know me better than that. At least I thought you did!"_

_Grace saw a flicker of sadness flash in Boyd's eyes as he relented "I know, I know." He held his hands up in surrender, "I'm sorry Grace, it's just … it's all just such a frigging mess." His voice had lowered to almost a whisper. Grace walked towards him and slapped his legs gesturing him to lift them to enable her to sit. Boyd swung his legs round moving to an upright position, his head bowed; staring at the glass he was holding. _

"_I can't pretend to know how it feels Peter, to know what you're going through, but it's tearing me apart watching you self-destruct. I feel so helpless, like I am failing you as a friend because wherever you are right now I am unable to reach you. I so desperately want to help you through this, share in your pain and it hurts that you keep shutting me out."_

_Boyd turned to look at her as he spoke. "I don't mean to shut you out Grace, it just … I can't bring myself to speak about it, to you, or to anyone, verbalising it makes it all seem too real you know?"_

"_So instead you are trying to slowly kill yourself? You need to deal with it Peter, you need to accept what has happened and stop blaming yourself. Luke made his own choices, he chose to live a life which unfortunately carried a huge amount of risk and he paid the ultimate price."_

"_I'm his dad Grace and I failed him. I should have been able to protect him." Boyd voice caught as he started to sob. _

"_You can't protect everyone Boyd, sometimes we just have to accept that, no-matter how difficult and hard it may seem."_

"_How can I accept that my beautiful son is dead? How can I continue living my life when he no longer can live his?" Boyd answered wiping the tears which were now freely falling with the back of his hand. _

"_You live it for the people who are left, the people who care about you, love you." Grace said placing her hand on his arm._

_Boyd sneered raising his eyebrows. "Yea like who?"_

"_Well me for one. I mean, I know I will never be able to replace Luke, that's not what I'm saying, but I care about you, care what happens to you. How do you think I feel when you say that you've nothing to live for and you care little for your life?"_

"_I didn't think …."_

"_No you didn't Peter, you believe yourself unlovable when the reality is quite the opposite if you would only let yourself accept that there are people around you who do actually care for and love you."_

"_Do you? I mean you once told me yourself that I was unloved."_

_Grace briefly closed her eyes at the memory, before opening them again and holding his gaze. _

"_You know I do." _

_In that one moment Boyd was never as convinced of anything as he was of the fact that she loved him and what's more the moment had brought the realisation that he loved her too. He moved closer to her and pulled her into his chest. As she held him, he felt his heart beginning to take the first step in healing. _

"_I'm sorry Grace." _

"_You've nothing to be sorry for Peter. "She smiled "Now come on let's get outta here."_

"_Erm, its okay I'm gonna stay here for a bit, I don't want to go home not just yet."_

"_Who said anything about you going home? Come to mine, I told you I wasn't leaving you in this state didn't I? I'll make some food and you can stay over in the spare room – you shouldn't be alone tonight."_

_He smiled softly at her. "I don't deserve you Grace, you know that." Kissing her gently on the cheek._

"_Yea I do …." She said returning his smile "… now come on, get your coat."_

That night had changed their relationship. The unspoken lines that had always been in place between them were erased and their friendship took its first tentative step towards being something so much deeper. He knew Grace had saved his life that night, and now when she had needed him most he hadn't been there for her.

6.25am, he was going to have to make a move if he was going to make it home to shower and change before getting into the office on time. He looked again at Grace, his eyes tracing her delicate features reluctant to wake her from her restful sleep. He lifted his hand and brushed the hair gently from off her cheek, the movement enough to make her stir.

"Good morning." He smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Mmmm a little stiff, but rested." She returned his smile, attempting to hide how much she relished waking up in his arms again. No matter how uncomfortable her couch was Grace had slept more peacefully last night than she had for many months.

"What time is it?" She continued.

"Just gone 6.30am."

"Shouldn't you of been home hours ago?"

"Don't worry about it its fine."

"But Sarah is ….."

"Grace I said its fine, but I am going to have to go. I need to shower and change before heading into work. Will you be okay?"

"Of course I will."

"You sure?" He faced her with a concerned look written on his face.

"Boyd I've managed for a year without you fussing over me I think I can manage another day." Grace saw the flash of hurt fleet over his eyes as she spoke.

"I thought we'd been over this ….."

"I'm joking Boyd, its fine really." She reached out and squeezed his hand in reassurance.

"Okay" he said rising slowly from the sofa to allow his joints to stretch out. "I'll call you later yeah."

"Don't go to any trouble Boyd, I know you have your hands full."

"I'll call you later Grace." He said firmly, bending over to place a kiss on the side of her cheek. "Take it easy today okay."

"Okay boss." She said with a glint in her eye that made him smile.

"Bye then." He called behind him as he left.

As he placed the key into the lock and opened his front door Boyd mentally prepared himself for what lay ahead. He didn't have to be a Detective Superintendent to know that Sarah was going to be fuming. Before he left for work the previous morning she had told him that they needed to talk about their relationship and that they should sit down together that evening to work through it. It was the very last thing Boyd had wanted to do, knowing that it would have only resulted in another huge fight and him once again spending the night in the spare room. When Eve had told him about Grace he hadn't even considered going home to fight it out with Sarah, instead all his instincts had led him to where he had ended up – with Grace.

Hanging his coat over the wooden banister of the stairs he walked into the kitchen where he could hear Sarah preparing breakfast.

"Oh so you finally decide to show up did you?" she spat.

"Good morning to you too." He dryly replied, not bothering to hide the annoyance in his voice.

"Come on Peter, cut the crap, where were you last night, why didn't you come home?"

"Look can we talk about this later, I need to take a shower, I'm gonna be late for work."

"No, we talk about it now. You don't arrive home all night, there was no telephone call or explanation, and then you say that don't want to talk about it and you think that's acceptable?"

"Oh come on please …. Sarah … please don't start, we will talk, just not now eh"

"Not now, not last night, let's be honest Peter when do we ever talk? You knew I wanted to sit down together last night to work things through, but because Peter Boyd doesn't want to talk then that's it! Everything has to always be on your terms Boyd. You're so devoid of emotion."

"Sarah I am not even going to contemplate having this conversation with you right now when you are in this mood because we will both only say stuff that we'll regret." Boyd had begun to pace gesturing wildly with his hands.

"Don't you think the least you can do is tell me where you were all night, I deserve that much don't I?"

Boyd held her gaze. He knew that she was right; she did deserve to know where he was. He inhaled deeply as he spoke aware of the consequences.

"I was with Grace, we …"

"WHAT? You spent the night with Grace? Grace Foley? Oh you have got to be frigging kidding me Peter! What were you thinking? Or did your brains stop at your trousers."

He groaned loudly. "Aww come on it wasn't like that, I knew you'd be like this."

"Be like what? Just how the hell did you expect me to be? You spent the night with another women, one who you spent half your working life flirting and I hate to think what else with, you don't bother to telephone, don't want to talk about it but expect me to be alright with it!"

"Grace is an old friend; you know that, you have ALWAYS known that."

"Well one thing I do know was that she was in love with you. The way she used to look at you when she thought no-one else was watching, it was obvious to everyone how she felt. And you were just as bad most of the time giving in to her every whim and running when she clicked her fingers."

"Aww this is pointless Sarah, I'm going to shower." He replied dismissively.

"Don't you dare leave; we need to talk about this."

"I need to get to work."

"Work will keep, this is important, at least to one of us it is."

"Whatdya mean by that?"

"I mean that I don't think our relationship is important to you. You spend all day and most of the night in the office. It seems you never want to be at home, and when you are you are so tired to even notice if I am here or not. You have barely looked at me let alone touched me in since Daniel was born …."

"Is that what this is about …. Sex?"

"No! … Well yes, of course it's part of it, you've changed Peter. You're so distant all the time, I can't get near to you and its obvious you don't want to be near to me. You always have some excuse."

"I work long hours, I get tired, it's not a criminal offence last time I checked."

"It's more than that and you know it."

"Okay so if I take you upstairs now and screw you, will that make this stop?"

"Oh sod off Boyd."

"Fine, I'll go shower."

"You know you really are a prick sometimes."

"Yea so I've been told. Now are we done here cause I think I've had all the ball chewing for one day that I can stand?"

"You know what – do whatever you like, you usually do anyway. "

Boyd starred at her for a few moments before throwing his hands into the air and walking out. _Well done Peter, you handled that beautifully._ He mentally berated himself. _What a complete mess_. He continued up the stairs and stopped at the doorway leading to Daniel's nursery. Quietly he opened the door and walked towards the cot in the corner where his son was still sleeping. Boyd smiled as he pulled back the cover so he could see his face clearly.

"Hello son, how are you doing down there eh? …" He whispered leaning over and placing a tender kiss on his forehead. "…. Better than your daddy I bet, cause he's screwing everything up."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Heartache, angst, **

**Rating T – angst **

**Hey everyone. So sorry it has taken me for ages to update this – I have kinda been debating with myself where to take it and well I'm pretty sure now I know where I'm headed. I really hope that you are still enjoying this story. If you can I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you once again for taking the time to read it. xx**

**The Right Thing**

**Chapter Six**

Boyd glanced at his watch convinced that time had stood still. The morning had passed slower than any other morning he could remember. The Watterson file lay opened yet undigested on his desk his mind unable or unwilling to retain the information it held, instead choosing to torment him with thoughts of Grace and Sarah. The latter causing him a deep-seeded anguish as he allowed himself to honestly admit that he couldn't face going home to her that night. He sat quietly contemplating if the reason for his reluctance was because he knew the morning's conversation was far from over and they would inevitably plummet straight into a bitter argument. Neither of them were in a frame of mind to be rational and he was only too aware how heated and spiteful their rows had become. Maybe it was the painful realisation that he just didn't want to be there anymore, not with her. He had lost any kind of feelings he had towards her long ago and he knew, if he was truly honest, that he never did love her completely, not the way he had loved Grace. They hadn't had sex in months, more months than Boyd cared to admit. It wasn't that Sarah wasn't a very attractive woman; he knew that many men would love to be in his position, she was beautiful there was no question, but he knew in his heart he wasn't being honest with her and he didn't want to give her false hope by sleeping with her. He felt a tinge of guilt surge through him at the realisation that maybe the truth of the matter was actually that he was holding out in the hope that she would finally get tired of the situation and end things herself. The instant he had seen Grace yesterday had just confirmed the fact that any relationship he had with Sarah was gone. He had always known that as soon as he looked into Grace's eyes again all the feelings he had tried, mainly unsuccessfully, to suppress would rise to the surface again, and he had been proved right. All morning he had thought of nothing else but the warm feeling of Grace's body pressed against his as she slept, and how right it felt for her to be in his arms again. Every part of his body was revelling in having her close to him, her scent sending his senses into overload.

He rubbed his hand over his face torn between the intense overwhelming feelings he had for Grace and the deep sense of responsibility he felt towards Daniel. He loved his son. Every day he was thankful for having been given a second chance at being a father. His deepest regret in life was the breakdown of his relationship with Luke, if he could change anything about his life it would be that. Daniel could never replace Luke, but as Boyd held his son in his arms he knew that this was his chance of not making the same mistakes over again. Daniel was the reason he had walked away from Grace and the reason he hadn't left Sarah months ago, but now Boyd wondered if it was the right thing for him to stay. Who was it really benefiting? Not him or Sarah, neither of them were happy and it certainly wasn't good for a child to be brought up in a home where his parents were at each other's throats daily. History, he feared, was repeating itself. The memory of the venomous arguments that he had with Mary, Luke's mother, replayed in his mind. The tears falling down Luke's face as they cruelly tore into one another with no regard for the little boy standing at the door watching them argue. Boyd swore that Daniel would never have to experience that, and yet he was acutely aware that he and Sarah were travelling at speed down that same path.

Boyd looked at his watch again before lifting his telephone and dialling the familiar number. The phone rang a couple of times before the warm soft voice answered.

"Grace Foley."

"Hi Grace." He was unable to stop the smile that automatically formed on his lips at the sound of her voice.

"Hi Boyd." She replied warmly.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine thank you." She said tentatively.

"You sure? You sound tired."

"Of course I'm tired, I spent the night of the sofa instead of my nice warm double bed!" The truth of the matter was Grace was exhausted. Every day she felt herself become a little weaker but there was no way she was going to admit that to him.

"Well if you hadda said there's was an option of a double bed …"

"Boyd!"

"I'm sorry Grace …. I was only trying to …"

"Yea I know what you were only trying to do, but don't eh." Even down the telephone line he could tell that in spite of her admonishment she was smiling.

"Seriously though, you're okay yeah?" He asked still needing reassurance.

Grace inhaled deeply; she hated lying to him, but then what good would it do telling him the truth when she knew how guilty he was feeling already.

"Yes Boyd, I'm fine, stop fretting eh?"

"Okay good." He replied finally appeased. "Listen, I was gonna call in on my way home from work, just to say hi …. I mean tell me if it's a bad idea …. maybe you're too tired or want to be left alone ….."

"But you don't past my house on your way home; you get a nose bleed this side of the river."

"Indulge me Grace; I just want to see for myself that you're alright." His voice was tinged with affection.

The weariness of Grace's body was telling her that she could do without the emotional roller-coaster that came hand in hand with Boyd, but the softness of his tone was laced with genuine concern and despite every reason that was presenting itself in her mind why he shouldn't call round, she knew she wanted to see him, that once again she was gravitating towards him. For as long as she could remember, there was an unnatural force that pulled her too him. No matter how upset he made her she couldn't stay angry with him for very long. The past year had been the longest they had gone without speaking, usually it was only a couple of hours. Once after a bitter argument it had been a few days before they spoke again, but always whether consciously or sub consciously, they inescapably found one another again. Sometimes they apologised, most times there was no need, the mutual deep understanding of the unquestionable love and loyalty they held for one another often enough to appease. The appearance at the office door with a bottle of wine and two glasses was the ultimate white flag.

"Of course you can call, you know that." Grace replied.

"Thanks … I just wanted to ….. well I didn't just want to turn up on your doorstep again."

"Yea you're full of surprises aren't you?"

"I like to keep you on your toes Dr Foley, you should know that by now." He replied heartened by how easily they fell back into their light-hearted banter.

"Oh I do, only too well." She smiled.

"Okay I'll see you later then. I'll try not to leave it too late."

"What you leave the office early, that'll be the day!"

"I'll see you later Grace." He said laughing.

"Bye Boyd."

As she replaced the handset Grace felt the tears rise in her eyes, the irony of life not lost on her. She had longed for this moment for so long, her broken friendship with Boyd tainted everything she had done during the year and now when they are finally starting to find their way back to one another she was feeling at the lowest and weakest point of her life. Wiping her tears with her hands she got up to make her way towards the bedroom. If Boyd was coming round tonight she needed to be well rested.

Eve turned at the sound of the Lab doors opening.

"Hi Boyd." She opened.

"Hi Eve … You got anything on Watterson's gun yet?"

"No, not yet. I told you that I'd let you know as soon as a match comes up."

"Yeah I know" He threw his hands up in surrender before turning to walk out again.

"Boyd, are you alright?" Eve asked tentatively unsure of how he would react to her prying into his personal life again.

"Erm, Yea I'm fine." He replied before sighing heavily "Actually ….. no I'm not really alright Eve. I saw Grace yesterday …."

Eve smiled knowingly, but it only lasted momentarily as she saw the anguish in Boyd's eyes.

"I'm glad you spoke to her."

"Yea me too. " He nodded in agreement.

"How are you feeling?"

Boyd turned and walked towards Eve before sitting on the chair facing her on the opposite side of the bench where she had been working.

"I'm not sure to be honest. Grace is Grace. It was so easy to be with her again, like old times. I've missed her you know, and I didn't even realise myself how much until I saw her yesterday….."

Eve smiled gently at his admission as he continued.

"…. I just can't believe I let it get so bad, and go on for so long. Yet the longer it went on for the easier it got not to have to deal with it. Now I can't think of one good reason why I didn't at least try to sort it out ages ago."

"You said it yourself, it was easier not thinking about it. Out of sight, out of mind."

"The trouble is, she was never out of mind, not really." He replied inhaling deeply.

Eve stretched her hand out and placed it lightly on his arm. "Well at least you have taken the first step in working it out; you would never have forgiven yourself if you hadn't."

Boyd smiled briefly as he nodded his head. "Yea I'm glad that I went yesterday. It was really good seeing her again, even in the difficult circumstances. She looks so frail Eve." He voice trailed off.

"The treatment that the hospital is giving her is very severe Boyd. It would cause huge bouts of sickness, even with the anti-nausea drugs, so she is probably eating the bare minimum. Coupled together with the muscle tiredness and a general feeling of weakness I'd say she was doing good to stay upright."

Boyd looked at Eve in confusion. "But she didn't mention any of this when I spoke to her, I asked her specifically how she was and she said she was fine."

"Typical Grace eh, always underplaying how bad she is feeling."

Boyd ran his fingers roughly through his hair as his mind drifted to when she had been originally diagnosed with cancer a few years before. She had fed him some story about going to a conference so as not to cause a fuss. He had been so annoyed at her for not telling him. He couldn't understand why she felt she had to go through something like that on her own.

"_I don't want you to feel obligated; it is beyond your call of duty Peter."_

"_Maybe I want to be here for you Grace eh did you ever think of that? Maybe I want to help take care of you."_

"_Look I just don't want to be a burden to you or anyone else."_

"_Oh come here …." He said opening his arms to embrace her. "….. why would you ever think that you were a burden? You do have some stupid thoughts sometimes to be such an intelligent woman." His arms pulled her close to him as he kissed the top of her head._

"_I just don't want you to feel you have to stick around, this is not what you signed up for." She said softly relishing the warmth of his body._

_He moved her gently away from him so he could look into her eyes. "It's exactly what I signed up for, looking after you, caring about you is what I want Grace, whatever that may bring. Don't ever doubt that okay?"_

Her strength and bravery never failed to impress him.

"The side effects that come along with these drugs sometimes make you wonder if they're worth it." Eve continued.

Boyd shrugged. "Of course they're worth it surely …"

"Well yea they'll maybe give you an extra few months, but at what cost. You're quality of life is severely diminished and …..."

He felt his blood run cold as Eve's words pierced his heart. _A few months._

"Hold on Eve, what are you saying. This treatment that Grace is on... it will cure her right?"

"What? Boyd, didn't Grace tell you?"

"Tell me what? Eve these drugs …. They are giving her a fighting chance yes? I mean there's a chance that they will cure her." Boyd could hear the panic rise in his own voice but was helpless to control it.

"Boyd … the cancer has spread; Grace's liver is affected …."

His heart pounded as his dark eyes locked with hers.

"Eve ….. please ….Just tell me there is a chance….."

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Heartache, angst, **

**Rating T – angst **

**Hey everyone. Well here is the next chapter, it's a bit angsty and if you are like me you will want to find Boyd and hug him by the time you've finished. I think he needs it. If you can I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you once again for taking the time to read it. xx**

**The Right Thing**

**Chapter Seven**

The late afternoon light danced it's reflection on the water's surface, the last remnants of summer lingering in the air. People passed the lone figure unnoticed, couples hand in hand laughing care freely as they whispered words lost to everyone else in the world but them. The sound of children playing echoed in the distance as they enjoyed the warmth of the sun. Whether the heat of the sun or the coldness of the rain, there was nothing in the world that could heal the brokenness of the solidary man standing watching the water gently lap against the edge. He wasn't sure what led him here; he only knew that this place had a magnetic pull on him when he needed to breathe in the midst of the suffocating constraints of the city. He had hoped that somehow the familiar surroundings of Waterloo Bridge, the calming influence of the river would help to bring healing to his soul as it had on so many previous occasions. As he stood gripping tightly to the metal rail & looking out over the water, he knew all his hope had been futile. There was no healing here. The pressure on his chest threatened to overwhelm him as he tried to contain the surge of emotion that was currently coursing through his body and prevent the loud heart-wrenching sob that he knew he was dangerously close to letting escape. The feral desire to scream into the ether, roaring like a lion releasing the pain, anger and anguish in a barrage of abuse towards whoever or whatever had cursed his life was building uncontrollably within him. The scum he had put away, the in-human way that people treated one another, the injustice that evil displayed every day of his working life were now all laughing in the face of what was beautiful, tender and gentle. The unfairness of life constricting around his heart like a noose squeezing tightly against any compassion he held for anyone or anything else outside the two of them. This moment was about her, for her, right now no-one else mattered.

His thoughts carried him to happier times and he felt a smile pull at the corners of his lips as he closed his eyes at the memory. He could still hear her laughter, loud and raucous as she threw her head back in pure raw abandonment. The sound of her deep amusement irresistible as his own unbridled laughter blended with hers. Her intense grey-blue eyes sparkled and danced unashamedly with the enthusiasm, energy and passion of a teenager as he had pulled her closer into himself. The scent of her hair causing him to inhale slowly while relishing in the intimacy of their intensifying relationship. The final step across the unspoken line had been taken and far from feeling self-conscious or embarrassed they both delighted in the elation that this new tenderness and closeness was bestowing upon them. For the life of him he couldn't understand why it had taken him so long to see what was in front of his eyes. True he had loved her for longer than he would care to admit even to himself. Those late evenings spent in her office, drinking wine and talking long into the night had become less frequent in later years and only now could he confess the reason why.

"_You used to drive me crazy Grace." He smiled as he reached over to kiss her softly on the lips._

"_Whatdya mean I used to drive you crazy, I think you'll find it was the other way around." She laughed._

"_No I'm serious, you'd be sitting here on your couch, feet curled under you, leaning into me, your scent filling the room as you laughed at my bad jokes, and playfully patted my legs when you were teasing me. That coupled with the wine, well it drove me crazy. The number of times I had to stop myself from kissing you ….."_

"_Why did you?"_

"_Why did I what? He shrugged boyishly._

_Grace rolled her eyes at him knowingly. "Stop yourself, you're not normally known for your self-control."_

"_Well, this was different wasn't it?"_

"_Was it?"_

"_Yea of course, I mean, what if I got it wrong eh, next thing I'd know would be the sexual harassment case that was filed against me!"_

"_Hardly!"_

"_What you wouldn't of filed one?" He smiled widely moving closer to her._

"_Nope, never." She shook her head slowly returning his smile before pressing her lips to his. _

"_I wish I had have known that …. would have saved me numerous cold showers in the evenings." He laughed before taking her in his arms and kissing her more passionately. _

Peter Boyd had always known reading women had never been one of his strong points. Of course he knew that he and Grace were close, that was clear for everyone to see, but he could never determine if her playful flirtations were exactly that and therefore meaningless or if she did in fact feel the deepening bond develop between them that he himself had been fighting hard against for the last few months. He had once considered asking her outright. They had been out for dinner, it had been a long day and neither of them had been looking forward to going home to an empty house to begin cooking. Somehow the conversation found its way to Luke and for a moment he was unable to hide the unadulterated grief in his eyes. Grace, perceptive as ever had picked up on it immediately and reached over to take his hand as she comforted him. In an instance the atmosphere was charged, he felt it and he was sure that Grace had too. His spine tingled at her touch as his hand closed over hers and he caressed her knuckles gently with his thumb, his gaze fixed firmly on their joined hands unwilling to look into her eyes in case he was met with confusion and rejection. As he stroked her hand tenderly he had wanted to tell her, to try and express his feelings, but were could he even begin when he didn't fully understand them himself. He knew that if she rejected him their friendship would be irretrievably damaged and he couldn't bear the thought of losing her. He would rather have her in his life as only a colleague and friend than not in it at all. He couldn't risk it, so be swallowed hard and dropped the mask of pretence once again over his features before squeezing her hand gently and releasing his grip.

The cool of the evening air began bite as the sun dropped in the sky and the breeze softly blew up from the Thames below him but he didn't notice as he rubbed his hand over his face silently cursing his own cowardliness. The time that they had wasted dancing around each other. The time he had wasted keeping his feelings hidden from her and the rest of the world. It could have been so different if only he had believed enough to have taken a chance. Instead he thought he was doing the right thing, by her, by Sarah, by Daniel and now the painful realisation was that in trying to appease those around him he had denied himself the happiness he had craved for so long. The last year had been filled with emptiness and he knew he had lost a piece of himself the night he had closed the door of Grace's house leaving her inside. Nothing in his life held the same meaning, everything reminded him of her. Music, wine, restaurants, food, television programmes all taunted him with her memory.

Work had been unbearable at the beginning. He hated being in the office and spent the first few weeks waiting for her to appear at his door with a bottle of wine and that smile she gave which immediately calmed his soul and let him know everything was going to be alright. She never appeared. No matter how much he longingly stared into her empty office she was never to fill it again. The desire to call her name as he strode purposely across the bullpen had stayed with him for weeks, her name ready on his lips and never far from his mind. Once in the heat of a debate he had absentmindedly told Spence to _ask Grace_, before seeing the confusion in the young DI's eyes and correcting himself _"Aww … you know what I mean …. Go on just get out Spence eh."_ He said motioning with his head and dismissing him out of his office with a wave of his hands before rubbing his forehead in frustration. He had avoided employing a new profiler for as long as he could. To do so meant that he had to accept that Grace wasn't coming back and he wasn't ready to do that. In fact had the Assistant Commissioner and Home Office not forced his hand he would still be managing without a profiler today. He hated Jeffery. The man himself was probably a decent enough sort and even Boyd could admit that he knew his job very well, but he hated him and what he represented. To him he was the pure embodiment of the fact that Grace no longer was resident in the office next to him and Boyd hated that. He could feel the hackles rise within him as soon as Jeffery appeared at his door and even though he knew it to be unfair he was unable to prevent the derisory feelings he had towards him. When he caught himself gazing into her office and saw Jeffery sitting in her seat and working at her desk his stomach tightened. This wasn't how it should be. It was him and Grace, always him and Grace.

Boyd swallowed slowly trying to displace the lump that had formed in his throat the moment he had spoken to Eve. His body was exhausted trying to control the tirade of emotions that were attempting to overtake him. He closed his eyes breathing in a deep cleansing breath as he supressed once again the dark anger that was incessantly impressing upon him. Inwardly he scoffed; anger or pain, right now he couldn't tell them apart as each of them pummelled the very depths of his soul leaving immeasurable damage in their wake. As he stood alone underneath the bridge all he was acutely aware of in this moment was that this hurt, whatever he was feeling was raw and unrestrained and causing him insurmountable pain. The love that he once felt for her, the love he had repressed for so many months had now intensified in a powerful display of force. This moment was about her, she had encompassed him fully, the anger, the pain, the love, all that he was feeling right now was rooted in her. He was rooted in her. It was in her that he was found, the true him, no pretence, no charade just pure acceptance of all they were. He caught his breath as the memory of Eve's words washed over him bringing with them a renewed ache in his spirit. His heart had constricted as he voiced the words which he required an answer to, but which sent rivers of fear flooding through his entire body.

"Eve ….. please ….Just tell me there is a chance….."

His tone was pleading almost begging her to banish the fear that had instantly captured his heart but the reality was he didn't need to wait for her to voice her reply. The hollow look in her eyes resonated the deep devastation she too was feeling. Her unbidden tears pooling in her dark eyes as they met with his anguish cascading from them. The momentary silence lasted a lifetime as he tried to comprehend the magnitude of what was held unsaid within Eve's eyes. The desire to get up and leave was overwhelming unsure if he could bear to hear the words that he was sure were going to leave Eve's lips and cast him into utter desolation.

"Boyd …." Eve broke the silence reaching out for his hand once again. "Grace is very ill, her liver has been badly damaged ….."

"Please Eve, just yes or no eh ….." he said swallowing hard before continuing, his deep baritone voice soft and choked with emotion ….."tell me there is a chance that she'll be okay."

She shook her head slowly, as a tear escaped and fell softly onto her cheek. She wasn't sure if she was crying for Grace, or in response to the lost look that glistened in his eyes. She had shed many tears since Grace had told her the news, they had cried together on occasions, but as she watched the brokenness of the strong man standing in front of her, her heart ached anew. She knew that he wouldn't break down, that he would use all of his strength to mask the depth of his feelings unable or unwilling to let his guard down in front of her. But for an instant his eyes told her everything he was unable to say. He stood silently in front of her incapable of responding; knowing that to do so would leave him open and vulnerable. His entire body felt as though it was beginning to shake as he struggled to retain control of it. He needed to hold it together; he couldn't lose it, not here, not in front of Eve. He breathed out slowly summoning all the strength within him in an attempt to bring his thoughts into alignment. Slowly he lifted his head meeting her gaze once again, his voice hardly audible as he spoke.

"How long?" He softly asked unable to believe the words he was uttering concerned Grace.

"I dunknow." She shrugged gently.

"They must have some idea, c'mon Eve, please, how long?"

Eve shook her head before dropping her gaze her tears burning like fire in her eyes are she fought to contain them.

"A year ….. two at the most." She quietly replied.

Boyd felt his breath catch as he leaned forward onto the bench in front of him, his legs suddenly devoid of strength.

"Does she know?"

Eve nodded wiping the tears now freely falling. "Yea."

"She never said." He whispered almost in disbelief.

"Probably didn't want you to worry."

"Could it be a mistake? I mean, could there be some sort of miracle?"

"We don't believe in those do we?"

"No, we don't ….. but maybe it's about time we started then don't you think, for all our sakes."

"Yea, if anyone deserves a miracle it's Grace."

Boyd pulled at the collar of his shirt, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. He needed to get out of there, needed fresh air before he suffocated. Gently squeezing Eve's hand he left and walked straight out of the building without speaking to anyone. He had continued walking through the familiar streets of London until he found himself here underneath Waterloo Bridge.

The afternoon had become early evening and the city's backdrop began to change in preparation for the arrival of dusk. Lights twinkling behind office windows as the sun's rays grew dimmer. No one noticed the solidarity man standing overlooking the water, unable to fight against the pain and helplessness surging through his body, his face now awashed with unbridled tears which were flowing freely down his cheeks as the dying sunlight danced one last time upon the river.


End file.
